So... traveling during the first trimester...

NOT a great idea!

Don't get me wrong, I'm so happy to be knocked up and the infertile in me will always feel a little guilty for complaining about pregnancy symptoms, and part of it is definitely reassuring, but.... I think yesterday was pretty high on my list of embarrassing, uncomfortable, icky things that have happened to me.

But let's rewind, shall we...

Added to the list of things that repulse me while pregnant:

The smell of TURKEY filling the air around me on Thanksgiving...

My mother in law's Turkey Tetrazini...

Anything with sausage in it. Including my sister in law's casserole that she probably slaved over.

My husband's cologne in a bathroom that's all steamy after his shower - very claustrophobic...

And mostly, MOSTLY, having an empty stomach. I KNOW I'm not eating enough. Though I'm trying. I did go out and buy a bunch of high protein snacks and tried to pair them with good carbs, like peanut butter and apples, hummus and bread, yogurt and grape nuts... Let me know if you have other ideas. I'm thinking of trying protein shakes and I just got Barbara Luke's book, and will be looking through it for ideas.

I did try preggie drops this morning and loved them!

But yesterday, yesterday was horrible. We drove eight hours, through the mountains. I got violently sick, twice. It was ugly. So ugly.

Also, I'm just not myself. I'm tired and kind of grouchy, and kind of have lost some personality.

I did enjoy the distraction of being away. I am still worried that something will go wrong, but have kind of accepted that there's nothing I can do about it, and worrying is not good for me. I know the odds are probably in my favor for once. Oh how I hope those babies are doing well and growing up a storm. I love them already.

Hmmm.... in other news, I do have my very first OB appointment this Thursday, when I will be exactly 9 weeks. It's just with the nurse practitioner, and then apparently then I rotate through the three doctors at the practice. I guess that's pretty normal? I'm wondering how often I'll get to go. I know my scary NT Scan will be coming up soon.

So, let me know if you have pregnancy eating tips. I could use your wisdom!

7w5d Ultrasound

OK, this was LAST week at 6w4d. Pardon the crappy iPhone picture of a picture...

The babies are HUGE!!! Gigantic! Enormous! I can't believe how much they grew over the past week! Both with little hearts beating, and measuring where they should be. Hooray! This is today at 7w5d. Simply amazing!

Such a huge sigh of relief for both of us! I told Mr. PJ to start letting himself get excited, and I think this helped. I also asked the R.E. about the chances of things being ok from here on out, and he was pretty reassuring. But he also said we could come in between now and whenever my OB appointment is for another scan, if we are worried... or if we just need reassurance. But technically, we graduated today!

I'm calling the OB to make an appointment tomorrow.

Thanks so very much for your comments on my last post. They REALLY helped! Although, I was still ridiculously nervous and nauseated on the way to the appointment, and on top of it, we were stuck in the elevator with a woman who wreaked of cigarettes -- as I'd just gagged before stepping into the elevator. Ugh!

Breathing a sigh of relief, for today atleast. :)

Worries...

Yep. I'm worried already. I'm worried about Tuesday's scan.

I hate that I can't enjoy this like a fertile -- oblivious to all of the things that could go wrong.

I mean, chances are things are just fine, but...

I'm having a hard time believing that this time could be different, even though so far it is a lot different.

I've had this faint slightly crampy feeling on my right side all day that's slightly worrying me. I cleaned today, vacuumed, did laundry, etc... and I think that brought it on. I'm wondering what it is. Maybe it's a ligament thing? Hopefully it's nothing.

It doesn't help that Mr. PJ was excited the first few days, but has frozen up. He's afraid to get attached to the idea. He didn't want to talk about it today with his mom, and he didn't want to talk about it this evening with me. Sigh...

Wish us luck.

Head Spins

Thanks SO much for all of your congrats! It's been very exciting to read your responses!

It's been an overwhelmingly exciting week, and my head is spinning with everything from OB's to bella bands.

We are so happy, albeit cautiously. It's been fun to share the news with our family. Of course we preface everything with, "it's still early" and "anything can happen", but it's still very awesome news.

The relief I feel about this possibly being it, about NOT having to go through another cycle, is amazing. No more GonalF? Ever? Graduating from my R.E.? Seriously? Not us? Is that even possible?!!!


I continue to have the love/hate thing for my symptoms. I can describe my day with three words, sleeping, working, and eating.

I've been napping when I get home from work for about an hour every evening, and then going back to bed around 8 or 9. Pretty much, I've been getting 10 hours of sleep every day and I STILL feel so tired every day around noon. It's really bad by 3:00, and I think any amount of sitting makes it worse. Usually if I don't get a good night's sleep, I can sleep extra the next day and feel recuperated. Not so much with this... Apparently making two human beings the size of blueberries is hard work on the body.

The morning sickness, isn't really morning sickness for me. It's "whenever it wants to show up" sickness. On the way home from that amazing R.E.'s appointment on Monday, I got sick in the car. I may burn my car, or have it shampooed, I haven't decided. I think part of that was just the relief/emotions of it all. But in general, mostly it's some smell that will set me off. Gas at the gas station, air fresheners, cologne...

Funny story about the cologne.... One of my students, who is about seven must have dumped his dad's Axe cologne on himself yesterday and it was so bad that I made him go to the nurse and change! Although, I'm pretty sure it was assaulting other noses too.

Sometimes food doesn't taste good that I normally love. I'm STARVING so I get something and then I can't finish it. So I guess I'll have to start eating smaller meals, more frequently (easier said than done). I'm really thirsty, but am trying to hold back in the evenings because I've NO LIE had to run to pee up to FIVE times at night. I have never peed so much in my life.

I was thinking about buying a bella band. I'm sure it will jinx me, and some horrible thing will happen. I haven't cracked open the dusty "what to expect" book yet, because of said jinxing. But a bunch of my pants are really tight. I haven't gained weight though! But the thought of being able to just permanently unbutton with abandon is definitely appealing. Is it sad that at 7 weeks I'm already considering elastic alternatives? Will I get stricken down for walking into Motherhood Maternity?

I think I've picked an OB. I asked for a referral, anyway. This guy is probably 800 years old, but he's well published, a specialist in high risk, and lots of people have said wonderful things about him. I think he's a cousin, uncle, brother-in-law of my hematologist-Dr. Unbelieveablylongname, because his name is almost equally unbelieveably long and complicated.

Um... I have to pee and then sleep now, so that'll be all of the bloggythingy today. :)

Two Beautiful Beating Hearts

So... I tried not to, but I definitely spent much of the day pretty nervous.

And then the R.E. had to do a consult with the other R.E. this afternoon, so we waited until about 4:40 to have the ultrasound, when the appointment was for 4:00. I swear I've read every magazine in my R.E.'s office, multiple times.

They had us in the room for about 15 minutes as well, so I asked Mr. PJ to go ahead and do the ultrasound. He was just about to lube up the wand when the R.E. finally came in!

Anyway, as soon as he put the wand in he said there were two, but hey... let's look at this one first....

And I was like wha....??? Two???

And then he zoomed in on first sac, I could see the lovely beating heart and tears streamed down my cheek. MOST AMAZING THING I HAVE EVER SEEN! It was measuring on time, almost 6mm.

The second one also has a lovely beating heart, and measured almost 5mm.

He didn't say how fast the hearts were beating. I didn't think to ask, I was so overwhelmed. They were flickering pretty quickly.

I have a picture, but it's not that good. I don't have a scanner. But if I figure all of that out soon, I will post it.

I'm SOOOO very thankful that we got even one. I'm soooo grateful for all of the love and support that I've received from friends and family while we've been going through this. My work friend had her whole church praying for me.

I know it's early. It's so very early, and anything can happen. But for now, I'm ecstatic!

The R.E. then brought us in his office and said they would see me one more time, next Tuesday and then release me to my OB. And I am sure I had some dumbfounded look on my face... Cause he was all, "So who's your OB?" And I said, "What's that?" Who? I mean, I have a hematologist, a rheumatologist, and an endocrinologist. Ya mean, I need ANOTHER specialist? And he recommended some folks.

SOOOOOOO EXCITED!!! YAY!!!!!!!!

Getting Past a Point

I know many of you know my history, but humor me, I'm feeling the drama today...

When we first started IVF, I was so excited about doing a cycle. And though I had read about various pitfalls that could occur, at numerous stages of the game, I thought surely they could not happen to me. I thought, if we were willing to try, to sacrifice, then surely we'd have success. Maybe not with the first attempt, but maybe with the next. I was naive, but not unrealistic.

Then my first cycle was cancelled. I only had three eggs.

Then my second cycle was cancelled. I only had two eggs.

For the third cycle, I was thrilled when we tried again and actually GOT to retrieval. And got pregnant, but it was a chemical.

Then for cycles number four and five, we never got a heartbeat. And of course miscarriage has it's own set of devastation and misery - far beyond what I could have imagined from the then devastating cancelled cycles.

The baby has to grow. It has to develop. It's not enough to have a beautiful placenta, and even a lovely yolk sac, kicking out hormones. There's got to be a growing baby. At least one.

So for me, getting past a certain point is a really huge deal. Anywhere along the way, things can go wrong. Everything hangs in a balance. Everything is so fragile.

I'm really grateful that we've made it this far, this time. I feel like we had a stellar cycle. I just hope we can get past this seeing the heartbeat point. And then, of course, that there are no MORE tragedies. No more getting stuck. I want this baby. I want to be a mom. I'm beyond ready. It's time.

Then again, getting worked up about another miscarriage, when I know it's pretty damn possible, serves me no good. I'm not complacent about it, but it's just out of my hands. I've done all that I can do. It will be what it will be.

My sweet husband is being very protective of his feelings. He's trying not to get attached to the idea that this might work out. He's frustrated that our lives are still on hold.

I'm less protective. It'll hurt if don't let myself get attached. It'll hurt if I do. Let the chips fall where they may.

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Anyway, thanks so much for your encouraging comments!

I just wanted to update and say that I'm hangin' in there. I'm a little less forlorn than I was with my last post. It will be what it will be.

Kate had a really nice link for me that talks about how symptoms come and go, and that as the body is dealing with all of the hormones it tries to reach homeostasis. That made a lot of sense.

Still I'm a little, OK a LOT neurotic about my symptoms though... having gone through everything I've gone through, I can fully justify my neuroses.

Yesterday I spent most of the morning nauseous, and was ok after I ate lunch, and then it returned on my drive home from work, left after I ate. I was surprised to have it so long. Most of this week it's been just a few gags for about the first 15 minutes after I get up, and then I'm ok.

I think I dreamt I gave birth to an alligator, and was seriously trying to figure out how all of that could have come from Mr. PJ's and my DNA. I've had some funny dreams like that lately, but it could just be because of the extra sleep. I've been tired, so pretty much, I've been going to bed by 8:00.

Today I was a little nauseous and REALLY hungry in the morning, and REALLY hungry later on. Hunger and nausea-there's a big connection.

Round ligament pain yesterday. First time in over a week.

Boobs (mostly nipples) are still sore, but not the "ouch, the wind blew" kind of sore they were over a week ago.

Monday afternoon... I'm so ready, yet so NOT ready.

I don't know...

I hate to say it, but I don't really feel like things are progressing. It could all be in my head, but I feel a sudden decrease in symptoms over the past few days. Like, my breasts are sore, but not AS sore. I get a little nauseous in the morning, but not nearly AS nauseous. I'm still tired, but not AS tired. I don't know... symptoms can come and go but this is not a good sign.

Feeling kind of melancholy and helpless and lost, at the moment. There's nothing I can do but wait and pray for a miricle.

I Have Decided...

I have decided that I am indecisive.

I thank you all for your many and varied advice. I haven't requested HCG or an ultrasound, but I may. My center is on the smallish side, and I think they would fit me in next week if I'm wigging out.

The big answer I want of course, is whether there is a heartbeat. That's really the only thing that would make me feel a whole lot better.

Not to be cliche, but it will be what it will be. It's out of my hands. I'm trying really hard to keep myself busy and not to think about it.

I'm taking some small comfort in the fact that I get waves of nausea/gagginess. Clearly, my boobs still think I'm pregnant. My nose thinks I'm pregnant too. Funny thing, I got a whiff of the PIO shot (no lie) and was repulsed. Oh, and I think I've had round ligament pain (although I know that's usually later in pregnancy), like a few times when I've stood up quickly or when I've sneezed, I've had sharp pains on either side. None of these mean there's a developing baby in there, but it's something.

This is such a hard place to be in.

Lend me your Opinion

I'm doubting myself.

• Do I go for a 3rd beta? If so, then when? I could go tomorrow (21dpo). Or I could go sometime next week.
• Do I go in for a 5 week ultrasound next week? It wouldn't tell me anything but how many there are.
• Do I just hold out until the 16th when I should be able to see a heartbeat?

Um.... yes, I have NOOOOO kind of anxiety whatsoever about this, as you can tell.

I think I felt some rumblings today, as in some mild crampiness. I'm still very tired and sleepy. I've been napping and going to bed early. I'm a big fan of sleep in general though, so that all works out.

I'm sure this is TMI, but... I walked into the cafeteria today and it was breakfast for lunch. This overwhelming waft of sausages enveloped me. I gagged. I started tearing up. Children started looking at me kind of funny-like. My coworker took over, and I very promptly and politely went to the bathroom to hurl. I had been doing fine all day up until that, even this morning I got up and wasn't that queasy. But those sausages.... yuck!

Oh, and the fish counter at the grocery store was horrible yesterday. Soooo smells make me nauseous, and if I don't eat I get really hungry and a little nauseous.

I have a checkup visit with the regular endocrinologist tomorrow, because I am hypothyroid and am on synthroid (synthetic hormone) and need to be monitored. The checkups are just randomly done, every few months or so. The timing the past three visits just so happened to coincide with either the 2ww for the beta, or the 2ww for the 1st ultrasound. So I will be explaining my whole deal to her again. And even though she is more than wonderful about it, I hate the deja vu of it all. Am. So. Ready. To. Move. On. withmylife!!!!!!

I'm skipping my coworker's baby shower tomorrow (as in 2, but one is a guy whose wife is expecting). I will use the doctor's appointment as an excuse. I just don't want to go there (literally and figuratively). Not now. Not while I'm all vulnerable. I may sneak some gifts to them later. Target usually has really cute bunny slippers. Maybe if I wear a blindfold, I can still find them in the aisle without having to look upon beeeee-you-tea-ful baby-type stuffs. Damn you Tarjay. You saucy minx.

Beta #2

Beta #1 454 15dpo or 10dp5dt

Beta #2 1164 18dpo or 13dp5dt

Doubling time was 87%, which is decent. I can't help but associate that with a "B", but I'll take it. The babymed site that has the fancy schmancy HCG Calculator says that once it hits around 1200, it takes 72-96 hours to double. Plus, um... it's still a really nice number for a 2nd beta!

My sweet nurse said that I could come in again next week to get another beta if I wanted to - for my own reassurance. Of course, that won't tell me whether there's a baby. The problem I keep having is that when I go in for the ultrasound, there's just a sac and the yolk sac--which of course is attached via the placenta, which kicks out the HCG. So you can have normal HCG's and still have no baby. My nurse also said I could come in earlier for an ultrasound to see the sac. I don't think I will though, it might cause more anxiety than it's worth, although it would be nice to know if there are more than one. My ultrasound is on the 16th, which will be 6w4d. Scary, scary!

I am however very happy with the high beta numbers! I HOPE, HOPE, HOPE that means there is at least one strong chickie with a heartbeat in there!

I had the chance to switch over to suppositories. I'm gonna be all hard core and stick with the PIO. Am badass. I just don't want to jinx anything!

Now the other wait begins...