I Have Decided...

I have decided that I am indecisive.

I thank you all for your many and varied advice. I haven't requested HCG or an ultrasound, but I may. My center is on the smallish side, and I think they would fit me in next week if I'm wigging out.

The big answer I want of course, is whether there is a heartbeat. That's really the only thing that would make me feel a whole lot better.

Not to be cliche, but it will be what it will be. It's out of my hands. I'm trying really hard to keep myself busy and not to think about it.

I'm taking some small comfort in the fact that I get waves of nausea/gagginess. Clearly, my boobs still think I'm pregnant. My nose thinks I'm pregnant too. Funny thing, I got a whiff of the PIO shot (no lie) and was repulsed. Oh, and I think I've had round ligament pain (although I know that's usually later in pregnancy), like a few times when I've stood up quickly or when I've sneezed, I've had sharp pains on either side. None of these mean there's a developing baby in there, but it's something.

This is such a hard place to be in.

Lend me your Opinion

I'm doubting myself.

• Do I go for a 3rd beta? If so, then when? I could go tomorrow (21dpo). Or I could go sometime next week.
• Do I go in for a 5 week ultrasound next week? It wouldn't tell me anything but how many there are.
• Do I just hold out until the 16th when I should be able to see a heartbeat?

Um.... yes, I have NOOOOO kind of anxiety whatsoever about this, as you can tell.

I think I felt some rumblings today, as in some mild crampiness. I'm still very tired and sleepy. I've been napping and going to bed early. I'm a big fan of sleep in general though, so that all works out.

I'm sure this is TMI, but... I walked into the cafeteria today and it was breakfast for lunch. This overwhelming waft of sausages enveloped me. I gagged. I started tearing up. Children started looking at me kind of funny-like. My coworker took over, and I very promptly and politely went to the bathroom to hurl. I had been doing fine all day up until that, even this morning I got up and wasn't that queasy. But those sausages.... yuck!

Oh, and the fish counter at the grocery store was horrible yesterday. Soooo smells make me nauseous, and if I don't eat I get really hungry and a little nauseous.

I have a checkup visit with the regular endocrinologist tomorrow, because I am hypothyroid and am on synthroid (synthetic hormone) and need to be monitored. The checkups are just randomly done, every few months or so. The timing the past three visits just so happened to coincide with either the 2ww for the beta, or the 2ww for the 1st ultrasound. So I will be explaining my whole deal to her again. And even though she is more than wonderful about it, I hate the deja vu of it all. Am. So. Ready. To. Move. On. withmylife!!!!!!

I'm skipping my coworker's baby shower tomorrow (as in 2, but one is a guy whose wife is expecting). I will use the doctor's appointment as an excuse. I just don't want to go there (literally and figuratively). Not now. Not while I'm all vulnerable. I may sneak some gifts to them later. Target usually has really cute bunny slippers. Maybe if I wear a blindfold, I can still find them in the aisle without having to look upon beeeee-you-tea-ful baby-type stuffs. Damn you Tarjay. You saucy minx.

Beta #2

Beta #1 454 15dpo or 10dp5dt

Beta #2 1164 18dpo or 13dp5dt

Doubling time was 87%, which is decent. I can't help but associate that with a "B", but I'll take it. The babymed site that has the fancy schmancy HCG Calculator says that once it hits around 1200, it takes 72-96 hours to double. Plus, um... it's still a really nice number for a 2nd beta!

My sweet nurse said that I could come in again next week to get another beta if I wanted to - for my own reassurance. Of course, that won't tell me whether there's a baby. The problem I keep having is that when I go in for the ultrasound, there's just a sac and the yolk sac--which of course is attached via the placenta, which kicks out the HCG. So you can have normal HCG's and still have no baby. My nurse also said I could come in earlier for an ultrasound to see the sac. I don't think I will though, it might cause more anxiety than it's worth, although it would be nice to know if there are more than one. My ultrasound is on the 16th, which will be 6w4d. Scary, scary!

I am however very happy with the high beta numbers! I HOPE, HOPE, HOPE that means there is at least one strong chickie with a heartbeat in there!

I had the chance to switch over to suppositories. I'm gonna be all hard core and stick with the PIO. Am badass. I just don't want to jinx anything!

Now the other wait begins...

Four Pee Sticks and a Beta

Not to be confused with Three Weddings and a Funeral.

I am the proud owner of four pee sticks that were taken on four consecutive days, and were each nicely darker than the last. I stare at them fondly every time I go into the bathroom. And yesterday, when I was feeling sorry for myself because:

1. MASSIVE and ugly mother of a bruise from the Lovenox injections (seriously, the size of a baseball). I must have gone through a vein.

2. nausea (although I somewhat welcome it, kind of a love/hate thing there)

3. unidentifiable rash (heat rash, probably)

4. both buttocks HURT because of PIO shots

5. I had a 12 hour day ahead of me with parent/teacher conferences

I felt instantly better just looking at those lovely lines.

Yes, I know I've been here before. This is the honeymoon part where things seem hunkey dorey. I know the hard part is ahead of me. The heartbeat... But I've decided to go ahead and savor this process. Am pregnant until proven otherwise.

And then today...

My beta at 15dpo or 10dp5dt is 454!

My last beta was 97, the one before that was 127, and the one before that was 25. So, heck yea, 454 sounds pretty good to me.

My next beta is Monday afternoon, but I won't get the results until Tuesday, probably.

Thanks everyone for your positive comments! They definitely brought a smile to my face.

The Peeing has Commenced!

I'm so classy. I know.

Yesterday the pee sticks were taunting me, early in the morning. So I gave in. I got a nice faint positive. It was 6dp5dt, or to uncomplicate things... 11dpo. So gratifying.

I held out on posting because I wanted to be sure it wasn't an evaporation line or something crazy like that.

At 1AM this morning I got up to use the bathroom and again, the pee sticks taunted me--literally begging me to use them. So, 20 hours after the first stick, I peed on another. I think the line is almost twice as dark. So lovely.

Sorry the picture isn't great. But you get the idea!

Half of me is beyond thrilled! Yay! I'm pregnant! It's another chance! And I'm trying to stay mostly in that moment and enjoy it while it's here. I'd regret if it worked out and I spent the first few weeks in a state of worry. Worry is no good.

The other half of me is trying to be level headed. Having three miscarriages in one year will do that to a girl. Am I just headed down that road to heartache again? Will I ever get to hear the heartbeat of my own child? Will I ever get to actually have my belly swell? Meet the child I've conceived? Please, let this be the one.

Waiting...

This is the part where I start driving myself crazy. You know, the part where it's too soon to do a home pregnancy test, yet I still have days to wait and ponder?

It's not pretty when I'm being neurotic. In fact, it's downright ugly.

Plus, I have a head cold so I've done NOTHING this weekend but sleep and hang out on the couch. My idle mind, is a baaaad thing. By the way, I think I have a cold because I took the damn Medrol for the supposed assisted hatching that never took place, and I think Medrol is supposed to compromise your immune system. Plus, it might have something to do with the ten thousand germy kids that I came in contact with this week.

BTW, normally I'd reach for some Tylenol Sinus right about now, but instead I reached for my netti pot. Not quite as effective, but better than nothing.

My neurotic thoughts as of late...

• Every single time I've done IVF I've gotten pregnant. What if it's negative?
• I had the whole low blood sugar hunger this morning. Maybe I'm pregnant. Or, maybe I just ate dinner too early.
• With IVF's #1&2 I had implantation bleeding by now. With the FET I did not. I don't have that now. Maybe I'm not pregnant.

For once I am pleased with Anthem Healthkeepers. Here's why:

I went to the pharmacy yesterday to pick up some more Lovenox. When I bought it last week I only had 12 prefilled syringes. Retail was something like $450, and my copay was $50. The nurse fixed my script and now I have a three month's supply, so I think it was 90 prefilled syringes. Retail was something like $1,875, and still my copay was $50. Awesome.

I also bought a 3 pack of FRER HPT's, tums, more prenatal vitamins, and a bag of those Haribo gummy rasperries. I regret not buying chocolate of some sort.

HPT Tuesday or Wednesday. Not sure yet. Stay tuned.

If Only my Ute had a Window

I would love to know what's going on in there right now! Are the little ones still dividing? Are they snuggling in?

I want to ask them, "Hey, are you guys chromosomally NORMAL or what?" Because, I need you to be! Please, pretty please, with sugar on top, stick around for the long haul. Thanks.

I had some strange cramping, kind of pinching. I wonder if it was implantation or just wishful thinking? I want to think it was in the ute area, but I wouldn't bet the farm on it. Perhaps I am just freakishly gaseous today AND have no spacial awareness?


Bedrest was boring. Let me 'splain. No, let me summarize...

I ate
read my trashy novel
ate
watched movies on itunes
ate
let dogs out
ate
gave and received injections (NOT a fan of Lovenox so far)
ate
checked facebook
ate
checked twitter
ate
read blogs
ate
read my trashy novel
ate
made lesson plans for the next two weeks
ate
graded papers
ate
made flip books for my class

I don't know why I'm so hungry. Maybe the Medrol or some other drug, or the boredom made me do it. Or, I'm just an oinker.



The embryologist called yesterday. Here are the stats:



16 eggs retrieved

11 mature - ICSI'd

9 fertilized

2 transferred

3 cryopreserved (we had another one jump on board yesterday).

Not a bad batch for me. Well, assuming some of them are NORMAL.

Because, when it comes to embryos, apparently normal is NOT overrated. Out of five, let's hope that at least one of them will create a baby that makes it to full term. Is that too much to ask?

It was good to get back to work today and get my mind off of things.