Dreams

I had a dream last night. Well who am I kidding, it was actually probably like at 9AM this morning. I am savoring those sleep in mornings before school starts! Anyway, I don't know about you guys, but I have the most vivid dreams when I sleep in.

So I dreamt that I was holding a baby from China, and explaining to my friend Kay that I didn't need a baby from China, that I was going to have one of my own. I was freaking out that she'd even suggest such a thing.

The funny thing is, Kay is real. I taught with her at a summer thing several years ago. About two years ago I was having dinner and she just happened to be sitting near us. She told me how she was all excited about adopting a baby girl from China. Something about her little one had a cleft lip or something so they were somehow able to expedite her adoption. And she got my phone number and called me later, several times. And I think I just didn't want to even open my thoughts up at all to adoption, so I was horrible and didn't even call her back. Which I hate myself a little for, because she really is a spectacular person, funny and so artistic/creative and caring. Then about a year later I saw her at TarJayyy and she had this beautiful little girl, who was about two, in her basket. And we talked a little. I think I explained that we were doing IVF. I quickly blocked that out of my mind. I am really, REALLY, astoundingly good at ignoring things that are hard to deal with. Anyway, I don't even know if I have her number though we have mutual friends so I could probably get it. I probably should do that.

I haven't even googled adoption, though a week and a half ago I was ready to.

I guess there is part of me who feels that even looking into it is sort of like giving up on IVF, and thus having our own biological child. I am apparently attached to that idea.

__________________________________________

Blood tests tomorrow. HCG, Prothrombin Gene Mutation, Factor V Leiden, and Homoasture (I can't find that one online, I'm guessing she got the name wrong on the slip).

Again, my ute needs to come with a help button...

I swear I don't understand my body. Three weeks after a miscarriage and I have cramps and am spotting. What is that all about? It's just wonky hormones, probably. But last time it was 37 days until the first normal period. I miss my good ole' buddy, Predictable.

I did move furniture today and am all sore because of it. Maybe I wrecked something important?

I have been putting off getting an HCG, because who wants to get an HCG in order to get a zero? Which includes going to the ghetto testing place, like crappy ANTHEM HEALTHKEEPERS makes me do. Growl. Hiss. Hiss. I'd rather stick my head in the sand thankyouverymuch. But, I guess I should just go and get one just to be sure.

Of course last time the nurse was all stalking me to get it done, and then come and repeat it. And this time, she's all like.... Um, ok. Whatevahhh.


Dr. U called a few hours after my appointment to let me know that, oops, she didn't have all of the bloodwork that she needed. There were two missing tests, after she'd bragged about them being so superb and such. Doctors and reading charts... don't get me started. I'm hoping the tests SCREAM that I have a problem that can definitely be helped by blood thinners. Or, better yet some other miracle drug that doesn't involve self inflicting pain. :)

And yes, she said that I'd be on them until they induce me or whatever (cannot even begin to wrap my brain around possibly being THAT pregnant). And then she said I'd go back on them afterwards for a while.

Dr. Unbelievablylongname

She said just to call her Dr. U. Apparently somebody has already beat me to the punch and told her that her name is really long and complicated. :)

So, my labs from March looked good on everything blood clotting related. Doctor's aren't sure exactly why blood thinners like Levonox sometimes work on patients like me. There haven't been any studies. If only there were a window into the ute. Maybe it could come with a help menu?

It's a shot in the dark, but sometimes blood thinners do the trick. She made it very clear that this was by choice, that it was a commitment, and that it might not work. She said that she couldn't even give me a percentage on how often it does work in cases like mine. Basically, she reiterated what my RE said, that it was something to try if you are desperate.

And um, that would be me.

It's half the dose that people with known clotting issues take. There's a 1-3% chance that I'd have bleeding issues. Note to self: Cancel base jumping trip.

The really crappy part is that it's a subQ injection, starting on transfer day, which she actually called implantation day! ahaha! Seriously. I almost corrected her, but I bit my tongue since she has an M.D. and is helping me at my desperate attempt to get knocked up. Someone does need to get on the national news and tell the world that the embryos have to actually DO the implanting themselves though. Any volunteers?

So the Levonex shots go through (get this) TWO MONTHS AFTER BIRTH! What's that, 10-11 months of shots?

Yep. Desperate.

My poor belly.

Insurance covers it though, and it's expensive. I do enjoy sticking it to my insurance, because they SHOULD be helping with my IVF, dammit! Plus they have been pretty pathetic and generally a pain.

I am sure the feeling is mutual. :)

She said I could just try baby aspirin, but um... I think we've established that I'm desperate. It would have been nice to have tried aspirin last time.

I go in early September for bloodwork and a training of how to do the injections. I tried to tell her that I could give subQ's in my sleep, during a tornado, while handcuffed, but she insisted I get the training.

Did I mention that I'm desperate?

The Weekend That Was...

When you've known a person for 16 years, you can be in the same space and be content with that. We'll sit in the living room, one with laptop the other with a book, or iPod, or watching T.V. etcetera and be together but not really communicating. So the nice thing about being stuck in the car with your loved one for eight hours is that you actually talk.

I'm not saying we haven't talked, but the drive opened up some things that weren't already on the table, is all. I mean dealing with this whole thing, infertility and miscarriage, has it's own ebb and flow. So it is perhaps sad but rather normal, I suspect, to talk about things but completely miss or ignore other things.

Anyway, I think I'm starting to open my mind up to adoption. Not that I have the foggiest idea of where to even begin, but I think I've finally maybe opened my husband up to that idea as well. It's a scary proposition, I think mostly because I don't know squat about it. And it's definitely an, IF this next IVF doesn't pan out thing as our money is tied up in IVF now. But still, I might start researching.

I know I could love a child that isn't my biological child, as I have loved a-many-a children that I've taught and have OFTEN thought of what it would be like to take some of them home, especially those that I know are neglected. In case you didn't know, our child welfare system is AWFUL and kids fall though the cracks WAY too often. The only comfort that I have in that is that for the time those kids are at school, they are well taken care of and I am proud to have a part in that. Big soapbox...

I just can't imagine living the rest of my life without having children. It seems wasteful or selfish to me, somehow. I know people do it all of the time, and it works out just fine for them. I know that I could go back to school and travel and do other things, but parenting just seems infinitely more meaningful. I'd be good at it, I just know I would. It might just be the best thing I've ever done.

Ahem... anyway. The weekend in Cleveland was excellent! I got to see an Indians game and got food at the farmer's market that we grilled. Alcohol was had, laughter and then hiccups ensued, and nobody even mentioned infertility or miscarriage or babies!

Off to the hematologist tomorrow. Totally dreading giving yet another specialist the million mile long history, but I'm hoping she has some insight.

Oh No She Didn't...

fall off the face of the earth.



Just not much is going on in the uterus of PJ.

Plus I've had serious Internet issues. As in, everything electronic that I've touched lately has gone foul. I'm in shock and awe that my Internet is working today. I was about to call the Geek Squad yesterday, and I think I still might.

Ahem, after my long weekend to Cleveland to see Mr. PJ's fam. I am sure it will entail some conversation about my uterus, which I am not happy about, but I also know it will probably entail some alcohol and laughing and probably hiccups (because I almost always hiccup when I drink and laugh). And, that's always fun!

Seriously though, I'm excited about getting the hell outta Dodge.

Nurse First Fiddle called today to give me the game plan for next time, um... which is a lot sooner than I'd thought and so it will maybe or maybe not happen. Looks like early September to me, but I suppose that will work. Although it sucks to take off work early in the school year I guess this is a priority.

Bossman: Here PJ, here's your new students. Fill their heads with knowledge, ok?

Moi: Um, yes. Hey, I need a couple of days off, like now. And do you mind if I come in an hour late on some random days. Thanks! You're swell, boss!


The nurse had no startling revelations about what they are going to do different this time (because after all, I stimmed well on that Antagonist/estrogen priming protocol) and it's really the after I GET pregnant part that I'm stuck on now. So, it sounds like the current solution is to have me go see Dr. unbelieveablylongname (hemotologist) on Tuesday who will likely put me on blood thinners when/if I do get pregnant. Alrighty then.

Sound like a shot in the dark???

Don't know if I should insist on a long conversation with the RE or just let live. I'm sure Mr. PJ will have an opinion.

Off to frolic with some funlovin' yankees. :)

As Old as Mold

Well, you have days where you can stick your head in the sand and that's ok. I love those days! Ignorance is bliss, I tell ya! I was that girl, you know the one. The cheerleader, who was all, "Gollie gee this is gonna work, we can do it, go uterus, go!





Blechhhhhh! She was so cute and sweet and well... she annoys me now.



I don't know what I was thinking when I came up with the title for my blog. If it were changeable, it might have carried lots of different names by now... Infertility on the Brain, Failed Cycle on the Brain, Miscarriage on the Brain! Holy Crap, I'm Broke Because of IVF on the Brain, Whatever Brain...




Jaded much?





Anyway, today was not NOT one of those sticking the head in the sand kind of days. My sweet IVF nurse called to check up on me. Her words, I kid you not, "This is getting as old as mold." Direct Quote. And what could I say really, but "yep". She's really super sweet and all huggy, and I think it was meant as a warm gesture that sort of came out awkward.




She also wanted to schedule an appointment with the hematologist, Dr. Unbelieveablylongname. But then she'd talked to the RE's money-girl who had to call me back later. Another awkward, "How are ya?" But she'd made the appointment for a bad time.



So I had to call Dr. Unbelieveablylongname and set up an appointment.



Then, because I was in a face my fears and get on with it mood, I figured I'd just get all of the painful phone calls done and over with so I called the regular endocrinologist and left a message. "Please reschedule my next monitoring because I was pregnant and am no longer, THAT". Yes, now it's ME who's being awkward. The doctor herself called back and I screened (cuz I was chicken) and she left a message saying that she was so sorry and she was just checking on me and I was in their thoughts and all... SO nice. And awkward, for me at least.


Her nurse called later to reschedule. More sweetness and awkwardness.


Then I called the OB, because I had rescheduled from last week and there was where the sweetness abruptly ended. Final. Kaput. I explained why I had rescheduled, looking for a sympathy appointment - you know one that wasn't 5 years away. And so... September in the middle of the school day it is.

Other than all of that, there was the conversation with my dear friend today over lunch, who is the utmost best at just listening. Oh, and let's not forget the conversation where my mom calls me from her work to discuss it and asks me about details, like I don't even want to repeat what details she asked on my semi-anonymous blog.

Anywho, I am 'sposed to be among the topics of conversation at the RE's Thursday meeting tomorrow. I hope they can put their heads together and come up with something, but I am not holding my breath. According to Dr. Google LOTS of women just have unexplained recurrent miscarriage.

I will be ok though. I mean, I'm not the same person for having gone through this, and I do miss that innocence and positivity. It was always a strength of mine, the ability to look at the bright side. And overall, I think that will prevail as it is ingrained in my personality. I'd also like to think that going through any hardship either makes one stronger or makes them fold. And I'm not folding. Screw infertility. Screw miscarriage. There's a big world out there and I can't let this crap get the best of me.

One foot in front of the other...

Chicken Clucker

How am I? Well, it's funny that you should ask. :)

It depends on when you ask me. As in, if you ask me 10 minutes from now, or three hours ago, you might get three different answers.

Apparently the progesterone wasn't holding up on Thursday, what with the moving of furniture and all, because I started bleeding then, on my own. I did end up taking the misoprostol around 3PM just to make things move along and the worst of it was over by midnight. It was less traumatic than it was in January, I guess because I had some idea of what to expect and because it was just a lot faster and less painful. I am a lot less exhausted. Hopefully that's just a good thing and everything is ok. I'm sure they will make me get HCG tests to confirm the number gets to zero. I was a bit surprised they didn't do an ultrasound last time, so I assume they won't do one this time. I guess the HCG is enough for them.

Mentally, I go from just wanting to move on and not think about it, to being angry, to being complacent, and everywhere in between. I mean, I just can't believe this is MY story. I still hope that someday I will have a wonderful child in my arms and look back at all of this as a necessary evil, but right now it just is so not what I wanted for myself, my husband, or my marriage. It is the most inefficient, exasperating thing that I have ever been through.

I got the most wonderful package on Friday! It was PERFECT timing. It cheered me up! There really are still good people out there, because one of my bloggie friends sent me this:

I don't need the bullseye. I have launched them at the husband and the dogs, and I must say that I maybe missed my calling to be a sniper. Plus, those chickens really launch out of the chucker at a surprisingly fast speed! They are rather lethal! I think the strawberry wine I had helped me concentrate.

Thanks Rotten! You're the best!