Still Nothing

OK, so I had my final ultrasound. It looked about the same as the one on Friday, big black blobby thing with a ring (yolk sac) in it. No fetal pole. I got the other doctor who took lots of measurements. None of that 10 second wanding thing the other doctor does, but I guess if you've been doing ultrasound for probably 30 or 40 years, you know an empty sac when you see one.

We sat in the office and talked for a while afterwards. This was more of the instructions for miscarriage meeting, but I got some WTF meeting-type info too.

I'm gonna go ahead and do the misoprostol on Friday, because I have a thing on Thursday that I can't miss (dammit, I hoped to never touch that shit again). Until then he gave me some prometrium. I have wine chilling in the fridge, and junk food, and a somewhat trashy novel to console me this weekend.


The RE said that most likely this was genetic, even though we'd done the karyotyping. He said that (and I chuckled a bit inside), that women around 36 usually miscarry 15 percent of the time and that I just happened to be in the 15 percent THREE times in a row now, as they consider the chemical I had in October to count as a miscarriage.


I asked about PGD and got a huge explanation about why it wasn't good for recurrent miscarriage. He said that there are places in the US that claim that it works well, but that the SIRM has made a statement saying that it doesn't work that way. He said that just because they biopsy one of the cells and that cell is normal, that doesn't mean that the other cells aren't abnormal. Apparently it is better if they are looking for some known genetic issue. I'm kind of glad that we don't have to pay that, as I imagine it is not cheap.

He also said that probably the next step for us would be Levonex which is a blood thinner. He said even though I didn't test positive for blood clotting disorders they know that in some 20 percent it is still a problem - and then admitted this was a sort of grasping at straws thing to do. So I may get to add Hematologist to my list of specialists. I know my insurance loves me, as much as I love them.

I'm surprisingly ok. I mean, it does weigh heavily on my mind, but I've sort of succumbed to the fact that this didn't work. I'm still dumbfounded that our luck has been so hideous. My husband and I went back to the sheet that details the guidelines for our multi-IVF package. If we quit now, we'd get the same refund as if we do another round. Technically, we still have two IVF's left - which amazes me. If they drop us, we get 100% refund. If we stop we still get about 75% of it back. We mulled it over. Mr. PJ was thinking that would be a good downpayment on a new car, and I said I'd rather have a baby. And then a few days later, he said he's rather have a baby too or know that he'd done all he could do to get there. I still don't think either of us want to adopt all that much. We are stubburn, I guess. Even masochistic, maybe? So it'll be late September/early October at least until my schedule is good for another round.

Deja Vu

No fetal pole.

R.E. is 95% sure the pregnancy will fail.

Repeat ultrasound on Tuesday.

Stop reading now if you don't want to hear me feel sorry for myself and vent and complain and cuss and moan.

What is there to say, really? CLEARLY something is wrong with me, and I want answers. It's so fucked up that I can get this far and then EXACTLY like the last time in January, be let down. What an emotional and physical and financial toll this has been, and for FUCKING NOTHING but heartache and despair!!!

I must have been some horrible, awful person in a past life to deserve this. I know that's irrational, but still. This is unbelievably bad luck.

I'm angry this is happening to me yet again. To us. My husband was pretty upset. I'll have to go through the whole stupid misoprostol again probably, which is that pill that induces miscarriage. I hated that in January, I hated the feeling of doing it to myself even though I knew the pregnancy was doomed, and even though I wanted to be done with it so that I could heal. And the whole miscarrying itself, wondering if things are tissue or not... is a horrible feeling. I wish I could skip that. He said a D&C wouldn't be necessary, and I agree. I don't want to go under. But I simply don't want to miscarry at all.

The RE hadn't read over our file recently. He threw out that blah blah blah, chromosomal abnormalities, 50% or all pregnancies, yada yada. And that the science behind diagnosing miscarriages wasn't great, in other words we may never know why you're so fucked up. I asked about trying again, and he said he'd have to look at my file again. We're on that pay a certain amount, get 4 IVF's deal but I wouldn't blame them if they totally dumped us since we are single handedly screwing up their success rates.

And I don't know if I want to do this to myself again. I know it would all be worth it if we had one baby out of all of this, but we have really, really been through a lot of shit by now. I've been taking injections now since April 17th. I have two very full sharps containers and a really sore ass. I've gotten up at 7AM every morning this summer (on my VACATION) to get a damn shot before my husband has to leave for work. No caffeine, no alcohol, no painting the house for fear of the fumes, no lifting stuff... and I know those are all little petty things and would mean nothing if a baby resulted in this, but it makes me mad that I've sacrificed and have gotten nothing in return. All of the fucking days off of work over the past year, well really two years for nothing.

When you work hard and make tons of sacrifices and want something badly, you usually get rewarded. This is NOT how it's supposed to work.

I think on Tuesday I will want the RE to lay out some plans. In fact, I think I'm going to call and ask for just that, some consult time attached to the ultrasound if they can manage that. Luckily it's with the other RE who is more forthcoming. I want to go over my history, get some insight, and discuss our options. I'm so over it that I told my husband not to bother coming because he had to miss work to do so and his work is so damned pissy about him leaving for appointments.

I'm angry.

Oh, and then there is the fun part of untelling people. I hate that part. I hate for people to feel sorry for me. I think I can feel sorry enough for myself without that. Oh, and I purposely did NOT tell many people so that I wouldn't have to untell them. My husband wants to tell his father/mother in law that we are miscarrying again when we didn't tell them we were pregnant in the first place. Same with his sister. He says they will feel bad if they find out and we didn't tell them? Huh? Wouldn't they be stupid if they couldn't put two and two together and figure that we just didn't want to share that with them for self preservation's sake? I hate IVF. I'm tired of people knowing about my reproductive life - the massive failure that it is.

So angry. Will update on Tuesday.

Too Soon?

I have to go back on Friday for another ultrasound.

The RE says it's too soon to tell. He saw, I guess, a gestational sac and a yolk sac. I think that's what it was, the big dark blob with the white ring inside of it. But there was no definite baby or heartbeat. I asked him isn't there usually a heartbeat by now, 6w3days and he said, "more often than not, but sometimes it takes longer to show up."

Seems like a repeat of January at this point, except in January he was talking misoprostol already and this time he seemed a tad more optimistic. Perhaps because he knows I've been through this before.

The nurse said that sometimes the embryo kind of hides between the yolk sac and the edge of the blob.

So, it could work out.

Or, it could NOT work out.

I am so disappointed and I detest being in limbo like this.

Thanks for your continued thoughts and prayers.

Dear Internets

I'm totally freaking out now! Ultrasound is on Monday. Right now, not feeling optimistic. After all of the crap I've been though, can you blame me for not believing that something good could happen from all of this?

Please keep us in your prayers, thoughts, or whatever type of well wishes, good vibes, and positive thoughts you have--that there's a healthy baby in there, developing on time with a heartbeat.

I think that day in January when we went in all blazin for the ultrasound and there was no heartbeat will haunt me forever. Please God, let me not have to relive that!!!

Five More Sleeps

I. hate. waiting!!! So I will entertain myself by blogging some randomness... Now that makes you want to dive in and read, right? Sounds all juicy! (detect sarcasm)



I went to get my blood drawn to check my thyroid on Monday. I got down on my hands and knees and begged for an HCG, but the nurses smacked me and said heck no! I had to go to the stupid slumfest (outsourced?) lab where I got all of my recurrent pregnancy testing done. Because, Anthem Healthkeepers insurance is cheap and evil! Not a good memory.



I have my monitoring appointment with my regular endocrinologist tomorrow. I'm interested to see if my thyroid numbers have gone up already, or not. Supposedly it does that when you get pregnant and they have to monitor you carefully.

I saw said endocrinologist whilst getting gourmet pizza on Monday. It's kind of like when my students see me in public, it's weird for them, it's weird for me. It's just weird. Although, I think they think I actually physically live at the school so it's probably weirder for them!


I have my regular GYN appointment a week from Friday. I almost don't want to go, as in I don't want to be prodded and violated until I'm WAY into this pregnancy (I know, haha!). I have this irrational fear of knocking something loose, or jinxing it in some way. I have a LOT of irrational fears, come to think of it. But my IVF nurse said it was ok to go.



One of my irrational fears was to park in the same area where I got sick in October, the day I found out that I had a chemical. I'd been avoiding it. I parked there for my last HCG on the 8th. Take that, fear!



Am such a dork!


When I go the regular Endocrinologist and the GYN, I will need to tell them when my last period was. This is one reason my blog is so helpful, because otherwise I'd still be scratching my head! What with all of the Lupron suppression and whatnot, I think it was April 2nd! Uh, that was a while ago!


I am still so nervous that this won't work out. And while statistics are mostly on my side with this one, I'm still freakin' scared. I have some mild nausea/low blood sugar in the mornings and before bed. I guess, basically if my stomach is not full. The girls are not sore at all, and they were last time. My back hurts sometimes. I'd try not to read too much into symptoms, but hey, it's all I've got right now!

BTW, I've been playing phone tag with the home insurance agency. Still no answers there.

Five more sleeps!!!

Distractions

This weekend was full of distractions. I went out of town, shopping. I ate out, I spent time with Mr. PJ. It was a good weekend, despite the ACT OF GOD that happened in my backyard. That's right, in my very own backyard. Wasn't I just blogging about lightning? I was innocently taking a nap Saturday afternoon, and the following happened:

This is my ginormous Poplar Tree. Notice the patio table/set looks teeny in comparison. I couldn't even get the tree canopy in the picture. It's kind of got the conjoined twin thing going on at the bottom. I'll bet it's at least 100 years old. It was part of the national park, years back. Notice the candy cane stripe on ole' lefty there.

Here is the close up of the candy cane stripe. And the picture below is the backside of the stripe!

The tree is only a few yards away from the house, so we had an electrical surge. The cable isn't working. Fried items include: a router, Mr. PJ's XBox (darn!), a 19in flat screen TV in the bedroom, and (get this) a surge protector!

So, my To Do list tomorrow includes talking with my insurance. I am hoping they will pay to have the tree removed. I know that's sad, for such an old tree, but it's always been kind of precarious and we are guessing it will cost big bucks to remove. I'll need to call an arborist too, I guess, and get an estimate (or two).

Has anyone ever been through anything like this?

On the pregnancy front (knock on wood), I think things are ok. I started getting nausea on Friday. It almost feels like a cross between nausea and low blood sugar. It's mostly when I haven't eaten in two hours or more. It's most intense in the morning. I'm hoping that's a good sign. I can't believe I've gotta wait another entire week for the ultrasound. I'm going to try to keep busy, but it is definitely getting to me!

For the Love of Lists

I am not super organized, but I do love a good list. Here is a good list of things I've been thinking in the past 48 hours:

And yes, I realize that I am neurotic and just "need to relax".

1. I am kicking myself for not getting a 3rd beta. Although I realize it would have probably caused more anxiety than it's worth.
2. Am hungry.
3. My lower back hurts. I'm wondering if it's from the PIO shots or just pregnancy (seems early to be from pregnancy).
4. Seriously, tell me if you know anything about #3.
5. I need to stay away from Google. Google does NOT know whether my pregnancy will work out!
6. Must sleep.
7. Google does say that Tums are not so great for the 1st Trimester. And since I get heartburn if the wind blows my direction, I have been popping them like candy. Who knew! Switching to Mylanta.
8. My boobs aren't sore. Why aren't my boobs sore? Will miscarry.
9. Am hungry again.
10. Will NOT miscarry, dammit! Could lightning really strike three times in a row? Yes. Yes, PJ it could.
11. Read blogs of people who have had miscarriages and went on to have a normal pregnancy.
12. Read blogs of people who had multiple miscarriages in a row.
13. Must take nap now.
14. Will take own assvise and roll with it.
15. Am dumb for making my ultrasound on the 22nd when the 19th was available.
16. Am SMART for making my ultrasound on the 22nd, because if there's a heartbeat I'll be more likely to see it.
17. Need food NOW!
18. Need to learn to give myself PIO injections so that I can go to visit my parents in the next state and therefore distract myself.
19. Need to have uberfertile assistant lift every heavy box in my classroom, as I pack it to move yet again to another classroom next fall. 3rd time in 4 years.
20. Uberfertile assistant is in her 40's with 3 kids and wonders if she's pregnant again. Out loud. I respectfully tell her to shut up!
21. Could never stick a PIO needle that far in my own body, and look at it while it's going in. I'm stuck at home with my idle neurotic thoughts.
22. Must eat healthy.
23. Wipe to check for blood. Normal. Amazing.
24. OMG! That was the little embryo that could! I didn't even think it would make it through thaw!
25. I'm a big fan of sleeping.
26. Answer mother in law who asks when the "egg" implanted. I dunno!
27. Hard to watch husband drink favorite beer and eat favorite wings while I eat a grilled chicken breast.
28. Mmm.... Grasshopper Pie!
29. I love summer vacation!
30. Summer vacation gives me too much time alone with my thoughts.

Lists are fun.

Feelin' Good!

One of my favorite songs is "Feelin' Good" by Nina Simone. I also have an awesome version of it by Muse. I listened to both of them on my way home today in the car. It exactly fit my mood!

2nd Beta today, 13dp5dt (18dpo) is 204. On Saturday, 11dp5dt (16dpo) it was 97. The nurse said that she was happy with this rise and that we didn't need another beta. We scheduled the ultrasound for Monday, June 22nd. I think that's at 6 weeks & 3days. I love this IVFca site in which you can put in your FET info (they have one for fresh cycles too).

Of course I googled stuff this weekend. 97 seemed a little low but not scary low, like my 25 was in October. It's within range. But the interesting thing I found out is that a lot of RE's say that it's normal for FET's to have lower beta numbers. Of course, the doubling is the important thing.

I am scared and excited at the potential all at once. I can't believe that little embryo is still holding it's own. The nice thing now is that school is over and I literally have nothing much on the agenda for the next few weeks, so I can relax. And obsess, probably. :)

Again, thanks for your comments and kindness! It's so awesome to have so many cheering me on!

Keep sending sticky vibes! Or growing vibes... or both! :)

Beta

The pee sticks were right! My first beta today was 97. YAY!

Please, please, please God, let this work out.

Lines

Thank you for all of your comments! I actually peeked at my blog at work today, which I never do.

I got another faint line this morning and a third this afternoon. So, something must be happening. They are all about on the same level of faint. I would prefer blazing dark pink, but I will take faint for now. We'll see. It could be just early. It could be a chemical. It could be the real thing. I don't know. The nurse was kind of excited about it today, when I called to schedule my beta.

I honestly don't know how to feel. I'm kind of excited at the possibility, but I don't want to set myself up for disappointment either. I'm trying to be Swiss about it!

I tried to take a picture with my iPhone yesterday, and it sucked beyond belief. I tried to take a picture today with the mid grade camera, and my husband has "locked" the card - whatever that means! And then I tried with the fancy camera, and the cardreader won't work. I give!

I'll update Saturday.

I tested...

It looked pretty negative to me, but just to be insanely annoying, there is the faintest of a line. My husband says it looks positive to him. I used the Early First Response kind. I don't know if it's just the pink that's where the line would be or what, it's kind of deep in the window. I also know there wasn't a lot to test with, but the control line came up pretty fast so I'm betting it was enough. I'll test again tomorrow morning, but I'm pretty sure it's a negative. Maybe. Dammit.



Yesterday, I was all strong thinking I'd just wait until Friday after work because I didn't want to feel down, but today I just wanted to know, one way or another. I had this conversation with my coworker about moving furniture (because for the fun of it, I'm moving classrooms again), and she yelled at me that I couldn't move them! And then I told my husband and he yelled at me for even considering it. Um, so yes, moving desks made me test. That's my excuse. Makes sense, right?

I did not have a whole lot riding on this one single frozen embryo. Usually we transfer three, and just doing the one and it being frozen, and frozen's seeming to be less successful. Not that I won't be very sad if this doesn't work out, but I know I will be ready for a fresh cycle as soon as possible.

You are all invited over to my house tonight to deliberate over whether the pee stick has a line or not, seeing as how you are experts!

My beta is Saturday.