Dear Sarah Jessica Parker,

Dear Sarah Jessica Parker,

I had a great girls' night out, that started with cosmos and girl talk, and ended with the chick flick of the year, Sex and the City. I have been a fan for years, catching it on HBO whenever possible and recently watching the entire series on DVD. I love Sex.

My favorite character has always been Charlotte. And while I am far more pessimistic and sarcastic than her, I am somewhat like her on the "which character are you?" quiz. I LOVE her clothes, her optimism, and her determination. I love her positivity, and was really like that before I became all jaded.

I heard that she was going to get pregnant in this movie, and was really excited about that! But seriously, when she told Carrie "they always say if you just relax and stop trying and adopt, you will get pregnant on your own, and hehe I did!" I almost threw up right then and there! I did actually loudly say, "Uggg, I hate that!". It just fell out of my mouth. The irritatingly noisy women behind me probably wondered what my problem was! Seriously, can we do some scientific study to determine how often that happens? Because really, I would be willing to bet that it happens like 2% of the time in real life! And now, these ideas are perpetuated into the gobs and masses of society that will see this movie, and therefore many fights will ensue because ignorant fertiles will unleash those words onto us. We, who are dealing with raging hormones, will have no control over our reaction that surely will entail whooping some butt.

I did appreciate that she was worried throughout her pregnancy that something would go wrong. That is how I think a lot of people who have gone through infertility feel, and I know I will worry about that too. That feeling that something has to go wrong, will always be in the back of my mind. See, jaded.

Overall though, it was a blast. Thanks for bringing back Sex.

Sincerely,
PJ

Follie Asses

Apparently IVF is the hip and cool thing to do right now. I am trendy. Who knew? Nurse 2nd fiddle (there are two IVF nurses at my center, the nurse coordinator and this lady) said "you wouldn't believe how many people want to do IVF!". Um, cuzzzzzz we have a choice?

So, yes they could have fit me in during June, however the pressure would be on for everything to go perfectly right.* Any kind of delay would have possibly meant no egg retrieval and/or a cancelled cycle. And I am NOT down with that. Not again, if I can help it. Plus, my husband's family planned this elaborate traipse off to Cleveland, and then Cedar Point, and Chicago, and their vacation cabin in Indiana (all within a week or so). The trip, of course, falls right when we'd be doing egg retrieval and transfer. And of course they paid for everything ten years ago when they booked it because they are anal like that. I am tired just thinking about it, but it has the potential to be fun and distracting!

The big huge deal for me is that I get to cycle during the summer when I am out of school. So we are going to cycle in July instead. Stims should start around the 20th. That'll be nice so that the whole shabang can happen in the complete peace of a blank calendar. Bliss, if you will.

I may have to call back and argue some more with the nurse. She said the doctors had me down for the Long Lupron Protocol with only 375iu's of Gonal F. She insisted that Dr. Ho Hum and Dr. Wonderful agreed on this. But I distinctly remember having this discussion about being really aggressive this round and doing the Lupron Flare Protocol with the full-on 450iu's. Bring on the drugs, I say. Kick those slacker follicles in their little asses (ha, do follies have asses?). Make them grow!!!

...short pause....deep thought... Yes. Yes, I will protest!


* I am sorry that I outraged so many of my readers. I do not know for sure why the embryology lab is closed for a spell. Maybe they are undergoing an inspection? Or maybe they are remodeling so that the embies can be among beautiful decor? Maybe they are changing out the embie heaters and embie freezers? The vacation was just a guess. Thanks for your rage though! Always appreciated.

The Embryologist is Going on Vacation?

I am having a minor freak out! It may proceed a major colossal freak out.



Let me rewind and press play for you.



Nurse: Hi PJ, How are you?



Me: Hunkey Dorey, how are you?



Nurse: OK. I have to call you back tomorrow. I have to talk to Dr. Wonderful and the embryologist. I don't know if I told you, but the lab will be closed for a bit in July and there is a chance that we may have to let this cycle slide and wait until next cycle.



Me: (internally - @#$%^&*OP#$%^&U*IO!!!!!) Externally - Yeeesshhhh, I am about to be on summer break and it sure would be nice to try during that time.



Nurse: Well, you are high priority and we will try to get you in. (me internally - yea, right!) I just need to see if the lab can handle more than the usual load. But we will consider that cancellations happen, and etcetera. I'll have to call you back tomorrow.



Me: OK (Insert Homor Simpson Duh)



I will have a total, mind-blowing, unfuckingbelieveable conniption fit if she calls and says it is delayed. It will be late September before I can possibly miss time from work. The beginning of the school year is INSANE, with the stress, and the stress, and did I mention the stress?



Please God. I've been good. I'm trying to do my part to make the world a better place, one seven year old at a time. Occasionally I have a filthy mouth, but otherwise I'm good people. Please, pretty please, with sugar on top?



Mr. PJ and I discussed what might possibly could happen that the lab would CLOSE for a "bit". Being in medicine himself, he thinks they probably only have a few people in the lab, and maybe they both booked vaca at the same time. I said, "well, can't they just get a sub"? I mean, come on!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Update: Would you believe that the nurse did NOT call today? Seriously. Nothin'. Ugh! She's getting a call tomorrow morning.

Oysters Will Get You Knocked Up

According to this article hot sauce will not make you conceive. Damn, and I had been replacing my Caramel Machiatos with Texas Pete for nothin'.

But then oysters will get you knocked up. Apparently men and women both need about 15mg of zinc to keep their mojo. And yucky oysters have that. Who knew? I guess my prenatal multi that I've been taking for OVER TWO YEARS will take care of that!

What irritates me about infertility (and let's face it, what doesn't irritate me), is that everything kind of gets put on hold. I've needed to loose weight for a while now, and I keep thinking that I'll put it off until I give birth, and just take care of all of it then. Because, that's not a shabby excuse! And doing it all in one swoop is... efficient and all.

How I jumped from hot sauce to weight issues, is beyond me. But keep readin'.

For the bulk of my life (no pun intended) I was pretty skinny. I mean, I was 118 forever! My friend Shannon (Hi, Shannon!) will likely nod and lovingly call me a bitch as she reads this. And then, I moved to Virginia and got married and ate out. We are ALWAYS eating out! It's a sickness, really. Or maybe it is because we don't really cook and have stressful jobs and no time. Something like that. Shabby, see. Anyway, I packed on a few then, and about eight years ago I lost it. I mean, I lost 50 pounds. It was great. It was hard. It was fun shopping. I missed eating out. I ran 4 miles a day, up and down hills. I looked good in a bikini. I went to the gym after school.

I kept it off for about three years and packed it back on.

My R.E. doesn't seem to have a problem with it. He has never mentioned it, and said everything looks good, well except for the sperm and the not making enough mature follicles and the thyroid, which is fixed. Minor details. Still, I don't think my BMI is over the limit. My center has a limit of 35, and I am below 30. But I do shutter to think what I will be like nine months pregnant, and gasp, if it were twins? Yikes! I might want to hibernate.

And what if it takes another year to get pregnant. Will it be wasted?

So in the nifty IVF info folder, they say "no moderate exercise". I don't think that will be a big deal. My exercise plan to begin would be to walk the dogs a few extra laps. The IVF info says nothing about changing your diet. And I read in Conceive magazine (seriously, I say this just to mess with Jen), there was an article about the ideal pregnancy weight. Apparently that is an ongoing topic of study among doctors. The article said that if you were over your ideal weight, that it was not a big deal to just gain 10 pounds during the entire pregnancy. And since I am pregnancy ignorant, that makes sense to me. So, I think that after school gets out (oh, did I tell ya that I'm about to be OFF WORK FOR NINE WHOLE WEEKS?), I think I will start eatin' healthy and gettin' more exercise. That's the plan.

For now. :)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Denise over at Freezer Buns got her first ultrasound and is having TWINS! Go and give her a high five!

Show and Tell

This was my grandmother's dog, which I have inherited. I think they were meant to be door stoppers. That's what I use mine for (although I put it on the counter for a good picture). He's pretty cute, and he lends some nostalgia to our home.

***See Update Below***

No MO IUI's for me, thank you very much.

I am going to have a beer tonight. Or Thai Iced Coffee with my Pad Thai. Or BOTH!!!

I didn't even have a sliver of hope until I started spotting SIX days before I was due for my period. Really, I was busy with work and life and just thinking about the next cycle, trying to predict what it will look like on the calendar and will it interfere with my vacation, etc. Ignorant bliss, that was me. So I did finally test today and E.P.T. digital says nope. Dummy. Seriously, did you think that was implantation?

I want to go to my R.E. and say "hey, this IUI thing isn't working. Not even as a backup to IVF. And I asked you about that the day you suggested it. I was all like "Really, you think we should even bother what with the 1% issue?" And you said yes. But this just proves that you can put the sperm next to the eggs, and they won't be able to get in. All you're doing is frustrating both of them! And me! And my husband! And my readers!" I took a day off work. It probably cost us $300.00 Which is nothing, relatively speaking, but still. I'd rather have saved it for more GonalF for the next cycle.

But no, do I call the IVF nurse to announce day 1? No. Probably not. Probably not until it is all flowy. My bet is that it will be all spotty for days. Because, all I wanna do is move on! I hate the dragging on. I am most content when there is at least a plan. Limbo sucks.

*** Update ***

I'm really ok now. I just had to vent on Friday, and I went for the coffee and beer. Not together, because ewww! I'm calling the nurse today to report day one! Out of limbo. Here we go again! Thanks for all of your comments.

Top Five Reasons I'm Going Insane

1. I called a kid whose name is Judd, Mudd yesterday. Out loud. In front of about 30 children. I don't know, it just fell out of my mouth. My colleague had to sit down she was laughing so hard! (It didn't really phase him. Think Bart Simpson).

2. For the 800th time this year, I got my dates mixed up and thought there was an important meeting today, which is actually next week. This caused severe anxiety attack because I left ALL of my important paperwork at home. Undone. I suck at homework. I am a slacker and so are my follicles.

3. I put dry dog food in Jackson's water bowl. After laughing at myself, I promptly drained it with a colander, and sat it on the counter while replacing it with fresh dog food. Jackson ate the dry stuff, AND the drained stuff while I was in the shower.


4. I went to the dentist frantic that I had a cavity, (because... I LOVE to go to the doctor, ANY doctor, and I was going through withdrawal, it being 4 days and all). He x-rayed, and saw nothing. He shaved a bit of the old filling and said that would probably do it. Tap water at room temperature still makes it ache.

5. I'm spotting and mildly cramping. It's only nine days past the IUI. Too soon to test. Too early for a period. Whaaaaaaaat? I sort of feel teased that it's implantation bleeding. I would take an early period (2nd choice, of course), but what I fear is that it is the beginning of a long drawn out period. Ugg.

Disclaimer: For number 3 I had just woken up. Jackson's got me trained to rise and feed. Sometimes I put the cereal in the fridge also.

Infertile Woman Dies from Caffiene Withdrawal: Story at 11:00

I confess. I went to the evil Starbucks this evening. I was sort of forced by Mr. PJ, who apparently has no fertility issues because he STILL drinks all evil drinks with complete abandon. Starbucks was good though, I had Passion Fruit Tea, spiked with lemonade. (Yum, if you've never tried it)! But what I really wanted was an Iced Caramel Machiato. I miss them.

I also miss:

• Thai Iced Coffee with my Pad Thai. I mean seriously, it's not the same without it!
• Iced Tea. Southern Iced Tea, the kind with so much sugar that it's kind of like drinking syrup. Hardees does a good one.
• Hot tea. My VERY favorite is Harney and Sons - Hot Cinnamon Spice. Incredible. And LOADED with caffeine. *

I was never that person that had the double shot of espresso every hour. But...

In the contract that we signed for the IVF Success Program, it says that we are to avoid caffeine, and alcohol. Actually, I think it said NONE of the aforementioned beverages. Literally, they could drop you from the program. Not that it's that likely. I mean, I don't see them following me to work in the morning, and having the police pull me over when they see me running towards Hardees' for sweet tea (imagine theme to Chariots of Fire in the background)? But still... they found it THAT important to put it in the contract. So, I'm making an effort.

I've been experimenting. Vitamin water, is good. Plain old bottled water, I'm actually a fan of. Chocolate milk is good (that would be chocolate syrup with a smidge of milk in it). So... there are alternatives. But hey, according to this article below 300 mg a day won't make you grow horns and a tail. Although brewed tea (aka my beloved sweet tea) of course is the most awful. Still, I think I fall below all of those levels even when I'm cheating. And I do cheat. Occasionally.

So, if you're off the hard stuff, what do you drink? What is the most difficult for you to give up? When did you start said caffeine protest? Do tell. :)

* I miss beer too, but that's another post. I REALLY wanted a beer when I found out my cycle was cancelled last week. Mr. PJ however had MY FAVORITE BEER, a Newcastle Brown Ale that weekend. Butt.

Show and Tell

Warning: Sort of a downer post

http://www.wftv.com/slideshow/16238766/detail.htmlindex.html?currentSlide=14&taf=orlc

The above link leads to a picture of the Indian River off the coast of Palm Bay, Florida. It's where I grew up.

Tuesday, as I walked out the door to go to work, the national news was broadcasting from there live (I later found out the charred home they were reporting from was not even a quarter of a mile from my old home). Apparently some horrible person set several fires there last weekend. They said that something like 120 homes were damaged, many destroyed. Unreal! I wonder if my old home (parents home) is still there?

Keep the victims in your thoughts and prayers.

Ode to my Blogsistas

(and a few blogbrothas too!)

Inspired by this post by Rachelle at Teacher, Mom, Mad Woman

What would I do without you? When I first began down this road last year, I wanted to connect with anyone who had been through this experience. Because, ya know that is what I do when I am going through something new. I seek the wisdom of others who've been there. With college, you talk with people in your major. With work, you talk with your team. You gather your support group and go through it with their help. You are connected. Since I don't really know anyone who has been through infertility treatments, I didn't have that. And I only stumbled upon the blogs by accident. I think I googled "low sperm morphology" one day in my frantic desperation to understand and find a "cure", and found an infertility blog. That blog lead to another blog, which eventually lead to Mel's Stirrup Queens and Sperm Palace Jesters blog. Like Rachelle, I had no idea there was such a support group out there! There is a whole clan, and some actually have the same exact problem as we do. Amazing.

Infertility is a lonely place to be. And I do have a big mouth, and have been very open with friends, family, and collegues. But it's not the same as connecting with someone who's been there, or IS there. To read another's story as it is unfolding, to feel sorrow with them at times of disappointment, to feel joy for them when things are looking up. That's pretty powerful stuff.

So, I just wanted to say thank you. The comments mean a lot! Like Mel says, blogging is a conversation. Good conversation, that's what you are. Thanks for being my blogsistas!

The Sun Shines Again

I think today is the first day since last Thursday that the sun has shown it's face, and there hasn't been rain. Funny how that mirrors how I've felt.

I think a lot of the hormones are out of my system. I had energy and I just felt like myself. I had no idea how much of a toll that took.

Yesterday's IUI (NUMBER FOUR!) went ok. It's old hat now, and I just went in wanting to get it over with. I walked in the office, and the nurse, the financial person, and the secretary all frowned at me - a sort of sympathy frown. I said, "yea, I sure wish this was an egg retrieval". The IUI took forever. It was with Dr. Ho Hum, I think he had trouble getting the catheter in. And I think he may have tried a few different catheters. He had the nurse push down on my uterus really hard, a couple of times, I think because it is tilted. Anyone else have a tilted uterus? My mom has one. Apparently they are hereditary.

Then yesterday afternoon I was all relaxed. I took the whole day off for once, because I just didn't feel like going to work and dealing with everyone's comments. I also suspected that I'd have kick ass ovulation pains. I stopped and got ice cream on the way home. I watched Jane Austin's Persuasion which was SOOO good. Late in the afternoon I DID start having those kick ass ovulation pains. They were intense. It is only the second time that I have felt that way, the last in March when I had my last IUI and had 5 follicles. This time I had 14 follicles and felt every bit of it. Even with ibuprofin I felt like I had really heavy ovaries. We had to go to the grocery store, because well, we were just out of everything. I walked soooo slow, trying not to jostle everything around.

We ended the day trying to make a baby the old fashioned way - which is SO much more fun than with medical intervention! We figure, the more the merrier. Still, with the IUI the SA was still 1% morphology. Sigh.

But today, it was SO GOOD to get back to work and get my mind off of things. I was so productive today! Luckily I will be very busy in the next month.

Meme, I feel the love

Annacyclopedia tagged me. What is a meme, anyway? I had to Wiki it:


A meme consists of any unit of cultural information, such as a practice or idea, that gets transmitted verbally or by repeated action from one mind to another. Examples include thoughts, ideas, theories, practices, habits, songs, dances and moods and terms such as race, culture, and ethnicity.


So it's something shared.



4 things I did ten years ago. (1998)


1. I worked at a children's museum, doing a little of everything from helping with exhibit installation to hosting groups.

2. I worked with kids at an after school program.

3. I was taking classes. I did my first two years at a community college before transferring. And when I say two years, I mean about six years. It went slow, and honestly I didn't care. The word "slacker" comes to mind.

4. I was artsy, and I miss it. I even would go to Thursday night sessions and paint portraits.

4 things I did 5 years ago (2003)

1. I transferred to the university and finished my degree. Finally. And it was one of the top universities in the country - with amazing professors and a beautiful campus. It was so much fun! I think I really started to get my shit together around then. I realized that I had some sliver of intellect. It was one of the best things I have ever done. I graduated with high distinction. I've started taking graduate classes, and if this whole baby thing doesn't work out I will probably drown myself in intellectualism (Definitely masters, but maybe even PhD).

2. Because I was going to school full time, I only worked 15 hours a week. I was a teaching assistant in a 1st grade classroom.

3. Went to Ft. Lauderdale (Ft. Liquerdale) for my friend's wedding. It was an Armenian wedding, which was interesting. Much fun was had.

4. I honestly can't think of a 4th. I worked and went to school. That was pretty consuming in and of itself. :P

4 things I did yesterday

1. Felt sorry for myself. See previous post.

2. Went out and got my hair cut. It was just a trim, but I love a good hair cut. My stylist has been doing my hair for over ten years. I have followed her career to three different places. I don't know what I'll do if I move.

3. Went to TFI Fridays. It always smells better than it tastes. I had steak, mashed potatoes, and two of those shot glass deserts. Yawn.

4. I went to Barnes and Noble. We go there almost once a week. We also went to Target. Sooo... exciting.

But mostly yesterday I did number 1. I am down in the dumps. Today being Mother's Day didn't help. I think I will feel better once the IUI is over and the hormones QUIT making me moody. I expected that maybe we'd go through the whole IVF process and it wouldn't work. I'd prepared myself for that scenario. But I wasn't prepared for being cut off before retrieval. Fuck. I am eager to get back to work Tuesday and just throw myself back into my job.

4 shows I love to watch:

1. Heroes. But the first season was much better. Stupid writer's strike.

2. Moonlight.

3. Grey's Anatomy.

4. Pushing Daisies. They had BETTER bring that one back next season. I LOVED it!

4 things I love to do:

1. Garden. Particularly the planting part, not so much the taking care of part. But I do alright.

2. Drink tea. I'm having a hard time with the whole avoiding caffeine thing!

3. Take LONG blazing hot showers.

4. Have my toes manicured. I probably only do that about 3 times a year, but it's definitely a good thing.

I now hereby tag Denise at Freezer Buns, Chicklet at Blurb This (or um, Bloob This), and Jen at Mama Wannabe, and then whomever else would like to do this. I'd love to read your meme!

Slacker Follicles = IVF #1 Converted to IUI #4

What a complete and utter letdown.

Out of 14 follicles total, I have three that aren't slackers. The three are between 18 and 21mm. The rest are sloths, below 10mm. Dr. Wonderful said it just happens, that you may respond poorly one cycle and then really produce in other cycles. This makes sense, because my IUI's were like that. With the third IUI, I had a much better response than the first two. He said he thinks I really CAN give a good response, and that this cycle I just didn't. Apparently some women just fluctuate. He said he would hate to do the retrieval and not get all three mature follicles, or get them and not have them be of very good quality and not fertilize. Converting to IUI makes sense, but I am still so bummed. The, I dunno, $2500 worth of drugs that I've injected into myself, the poking and prodding, the having to get a sub for work and the disruption my schedule... Big sigh.

So I trigger tonight. The IUI is on Monday morning. He said that I can go strait into the next cycle if I get my period. And ya know, I'm pretty sure I'll get my period. I know I'm gonna be on the table on Monday, thinking "just get it over with". He said we'd try the micro-flare protocol next. That's supposed to be the most aggressive route (ewww Lupron!). This try doesn't count as one of our attempts with the Success Program, so we still have four tries. However, we have to now pay for an IUI. It'll be nice because our next try will happen during summer break. Of course, it will probably mess up our vacation, but maybe we can play with the schedule with the birth control.

And so... I WANT to go out and spend money that I don't have on pampering and consoling myself with a little retail therapy. But I can't. I can't because the nurse had me order more GonalF and I've got to be here to sign for that.

My husband was wonderful. He gives me this huge bear hug when I'm upset, that kind of feels like smothering, but I love him for it. I called my mom and cried. I think I'll be ok. It's just sucky. I keep thinking though, I've done everything in my power to make this a success, and this is just out of my control. All I can do is try again.

Annacyclopedia tagged me with the meme (sounds like a disease?), and I am working on it (no pun intended, but isn't that a hoot!). I'll post it tomorrow.

The Storm

Thursday night I was in the middle of a post and the power went out. We had this incredible thunderstorm, with four inches of rain and some really awesome lightning. So... the puppy pees on the bed at about 9:20, I'm in the middle of cleaning it up and the power goes out around 9:25, and I'm supposed to do my Ganerelix injection at 9:30 (exactly, says the nurse). So, there I am shooting up via flashlight. Oh no, but that was only the ending of a crazy day. Rewind to my 8AM appointment with Dr. Ho Hum. He measured about 7 follicles, but did not verbally tell me the measurements. Verbal is not his thing, did I mention that? Honestly, I just wanted to get out of there so I did not ask for specifics, but he did say that things were moving along but the blood test would tell us more. Pfft... I say now in retrospect. I think he was holding out on me. My dose last night was upped to 375iu. More on that to come. I went to work and was just exhausted all day - apparently fatigue is the most common side effect for Gonal F. I rushed out of work, got my NEW box of Gonal F from the center, and came home to take a TWO hour nap. I woke up all groggy and rushed back to work for my student's concert. Which was sweet, really. It always chokes me up to hear them sing, and they were really appreciative that I came. I even got a couple of "I love you's"! Then I came home and the storm happened, back to present.

This morning I get Dr. Wonderful. He measures, and actually TELLS me what the measurements are. Three at around 17/19mm, one at 12mm... and lots of little ones. Little underachievers. Little me's. He said that I'm not responding as well as they would like. As it is, you've got to have four for retrieval at my center. I am so disappointed. Jill said that a lot can happen in a night, so I'm hoping that it does. I had to order another box of Gonal F today. 5 boxes at $350 a pop so far. Ouch. My dose is still 375iu. I may have even added an extra drop or two (shhh). The nurse said this afternoon that we are looking at a possible retrieval Monday or Tuesday.



I did sign all of the paperwork for the anesthesia, egg retrieval, and transfer. NO SEX for two weeks? Damn. Really? Right now I am too sleepy for it anyway!

Sorry to be all Debbie Downer. Hopefully the egg report tomorrow morning will perk me up.


I am RIDICULOUSLY excited about Denise's pregnancy announcement! Go give her a congrats!

First Egg Report and SO MANY Questions!

Today was my first stims ultrasound. I "think" it might have been a good report, although I don't have much to compare it to. So you guys who have been through this tell me your thoughts.

So I did stims, Sunday, Monday, and Tuesday and I think he said on the right there was one follicle at 12., and six under 10. And then on the left there was one at 12., one at 10, and "a bunch" (is that a medical term?) under 10.

And isn't 16 or 18 the size they ultimately need to be???

And I don't really feel it yet, and if you've done this before, when did you FEEL your ovaries getting bloated? Or did you?


Those numbers sounded ok to me, but what do I know? I'm going to ASK tomorrow if that was good. Damnit. I need to start asking, instead of wanting to be the perfect little ideal patient. Like I'm getting graded on my behavior or something? Dork.

I even got Dr. Wonderful and everything! First time I've seen him since March!

He did say the lining was at 9 already. That's good, right? And they never tell me about my estradiol, but I figure that no news is good news.

She had me order more Gonal F, and I'm doing 300 iu tonight.

It was very cool to see some progress! At least I "think" it was progress. :)

And there's that damn hope creeping up...

Random Thoughts on Positivity

First of all, go give S.E. a hug at Riding the Roller Coaster. She's really going through a difficult time.

Well, the injections are really no big deal, however the mixing of the Gonal F and HCG takes forever and uses about five needles/syringes. I swore a couple of times today I felt my left ovary twitch, but it was probably all in my head!

Wednesday is the first stims monitoring appointment. I had to jump hoops, roll over backward, and hold my breath until I turned blue to get someone to cover for me at work! It's standardized testing* week, and the faculty is spread thin. I told my kids that I was going to be an hour late. They didn't ask why, but when they do I'm gonna just say, " 'cause".

Jess at Waiting for my Turn was asking about how to balance hope and realism. Now, I'm not much of a ponderer, per say, but I must admit this has been on my mind. And I ABSOLUTELY SUCK at expressing my emotions, my thoughts from here out are bound to be all over the place, but here goes. I hope that having the three IUI's go kerplunk has helped me to keep it real. Like I'm a rock and I can handle failure? But the stakes are higher with IVF. I'm more invested, monetarily, physically, and I hate to admit it, but emotionally (gasp!). So here is my thing... my thing is that I am accepting that I may have to go through several IVF cycles. It's just reality. If I get pregnant on the first round, well then that's just great. Hunkey Dorey. Spectacular. But if I don't, at least I know I'm doing something. I'm taking ACTION. There is a plan. I am in control. No... that's crap. I'm only in control of so much, but there are a lot of things that I cannot control about this. But at least I know that I am doing ALL that I can possibly do.

How nice it would be to just close your eyes and say tell me when it DOES happen. I want to go on living oblivious and not worrying about it, and then one day SUUURPRISE! Poof! You're pregnant! THAT is one part about fertile people that makes me incredibly jealous. The NOT thinking about it.

Of course other people are poking in their hope for me. I try to be all realistic, and my husband says stuff like, I hope you are pregnant in June when we go to his families place. That would be so great.... and goes on and on (which is OH so cute, but um... not helping me be all stone cold). And my friends and my mom and... Well, I guess that's what I get for blabbing all about it! blah..blah... blah..

So, I am gonna take it easy, and try not to get all worked up. I'm going to do this thing and hope it works. If it doesn't, I'll keep trying. Because really, trying is all you can do.

*Funny side note, Virginia's standardized tests are called SOL's. Which means Standards of Learning or as we affectionately call them Shit out of Luck!

The Stash and the ER!

Finally, the fertility meds came! I'm strangely happy about it. Not happy to be sticking myself every day, but happy that we are hopefully moving forward. Even if this cycle is a bust, we are headed in the right direction.


The order was called in on Wednesday, after my estadiol came back ok (yay, for that!). This is hopefully the bulk of it, but apparently at my center they order low, and then reorder if you need more. The nurse said I might need more Gonal-F. I called and talked with the pharmacy to pay for the order, and give them info. It wasn't anything as frustrating as Jen's experience with her pharmacy this week !!! But the LEDEH did actually ask if it was for an IUI, which I thought was kinda funny. Do people really ever order $1500 worth of meds for an IUI? I surely didn't. I bitched about $200! I had the stash delivered to my center, because someone has to be home to sign for them, and um... we work. We work to pay for fertility drugs!

AF came the same day I stopped birth control pills, not even 12 hours past the missed dose. I thought that was strange, since the nurse said it probably wouldn't start until Sunday.

Anyway, Sunday is the first day of Gonal-F, 375iu and low dose HCG. Seems a bit much, but I just do what they say to do!


Last night Mr. PJ was changing the trash bag, like the good husband he is. The trash is right by the back door, which evidently wasn't latched well. Well Jackson, 70 pound puppy that he is, saw Mr. PJ and got all excited. Likely, he leaped over the back steps, slid on the back porch, and whaled on the back door, front paws pushing the door open with exuberant force! There is a 1940's dead bolt on the door, and it hit Mr. PJ in the head as he knelt over to change the trash bag. Various cuss words spewed out of Mr. PJ's head, as did gushing blood. The latch had put a deep gash in his head. So we rushed to the outpatient center, which apparently closes at 8:00, and we arrived at 7:58. So we opted for the smaller hospital in town, thinking it would be less busy than the big huge hospital. I don't think they had any empty seats in the waiting room when we left at 11:00. I have concluded from the trip to the ER that sports are dangerous, given that about half of the injured were wearing some sort of sports attire. I'll have none of that, thank you. Anyway, Mr. PJ got a few staples in his noggin, and that was that. Fun evening.


TGIF