But seriously, even if we skip past year and a half of infertility treatments, there is still significant waiting to talk about for this past cycle alone!
I waited:
- to ovulate so I could start Estrace
- for my period
- for the right day to trigger
- for the fertilization report
- for the transfer
- out the two week wait
- I waited for beta results x4 (although s.e. is right, I had spectacularly fast results - probably because of the holiday lul in the lab)
And now I'm waiting for that first ultrasound this Tuesday*. And from what I read, it's not until week 12 before I might be able to breathe a sigh of relief as the fear of miscarriage will subside significantly.
I know I need to let go and not worry about what could go wrong. I am absolutely perplexed at myself. I would have NEVER guessed that accepting that things might possibly work out would actually be difficult! But then, I've read too much, seen too much, heard too much about what could go wrong. This is one of those times when I envy the blissfully ignorant typical fertile. I wish I could just enjoy this.
I'm completely over analyzing my symptoms too, and I think there have been moments when I was worried about NOT being sick!
If you've gotten pregnant after infertility treatments or an early loss, did you have the same fears? If so, how did you deal?
My new game plan includes staying off of google and keeping busy this weekend!
Coincidentally, I will admit though that I was feeling pretty glum this morning, but this afternoon I went for a haircut and was thrilled!!! The haircut was great as usual, as I've had the same stylist for at least ten years now and she is fantastic. But what was truly amazing was that my hairstylist is five months pregnant with twins and got pregnant via IVF with my same doctor at my same center! Can you tell I was ecstatic? And she said that they did 6, 8, and 10 week ultrasound and then they graduate you to the ObGyn center which is across the street. I'm really relieved to learn that I'll get to have that many ultrasounds this early on and to have that connection with her.
*Mr. PJ and I have been on the same wavelength this week. We both thought of having me POAS yesterday. And when the news did a story of this lady who had just given delivery at like 12:02 January 1st, we similtaneously thought, "there is no way in hell PJ would let them film her for the news right after giving birth"!!!
21 comments:
Google can be bad! I think we just need to get back to work.
My favorite has been over anaylzing every twinge, pull, stretch, intestinal pain (I hope that's all it is- see!), that I've been feeling. With nothing much to do but sit at home with your body, it is a recipe for stress.
DH and I are going out to dinner tonight. I hope it will take my mind of stuff. I am going to eat while I still can. I don't get that naseous yet.
Tuesday will be here before you know it!
Don't have much in the ways of making the worry go away,but I can tell you it does get easier.
I'm 5 mo now and have been feeling baby move everyday for a few weeks. I hope once you have that first u/s things get a little easier for you.
We spent over 4 years ttc but I didn't know another person with IF. That made it so that I was blissfully unaware of the possibilities and I didn't worry that I would lose it. As we enter this new year of TTC I am abundantly aware of all the possibilities and I expect that it will be difficult to find peace if we do get pregnant. But the end result. Oh, the end result.
I also worried about the lack of symptoms early on. Between 7-8 weeks the morning sickness kicked in and stuck around until 22 weeks or so.
I want to give you a heads up about something that happened to me and scared the crap out of me. When I was about 11 and a half weeks I had some spotting while at work one night. I freaked out, called my OB, who told me that chances were everything was fine and that it was just the placenta burrowing in. Of course I wasn't relieved but the next day I went in and got a doppler check and everything was fine. I have since read of several people who had similar experiences right around that point in the pregnancy. Hopefully this can save you some heartache and panic!
Congrats again!!!
Bless your heart...try to enjoy this time, P.J. God has you and that precious baby in His hands.
Praying that your nerves ease and I just have to say, I CAN'T WAIT FOR YOUR U/S!! I'm as excited as you are, I think!
((HUGS & LOVE))
Hi PJ! I came across your blog just about when you were getting your positive betas. Congratulations! I feel compelled to comment on this entry because I have so much sympathy for you. I got pregnant this summer after my second round of injectible hormones, and I just couldn't believe it. My husband and I called it the "maybe baby" for a long time, and I refused to say out loud that I was pregnant-- all I could muster to say was that I had had a few positive pregnancy tests (betas).
Anyway, I did all the things you're doing-- I almost peed on a stick weeks after the betas, I got insane about lack of symptoms or disappearing symptoms (which usually reappeared, of course!), googled everything I could think of to try to "prove" to myself that I was still pregnant. In the end, I just had to try to be calm and patient. It was hard because I was a teacher on summer break for my first trimester, so I had way too much free time to obsess. It's not easy, but you'll get through it. Just remember that most women (fertile ones, really), when they get their BFP, immediately identify as pregnant. We infertiles just have a harder time trusting our bodies and accepting our good news. But just because you had trouble getting pregnant does NOT mean you'll have trouble staying pregnant. So try to enjoy this!
By the way, (and sorry this is so long!), I wasn't able to relax fully and start enjoying my pregnancy until around my 18-week ultrasound. That was the first one I wasn't terrified about. I think it was because I was finally feeling some fetal movement by then. For me, the movement has been the most reassuring thing by far. And now... time is flying by! But I do remember those early weeks and how hard it was to wait, how long it felt between ultrasounds. I feel for you!! Hang there and be positive!!!!! And read success story blogs-- it will keep your hopes up!
With every u/s, you will feel more and more reassured. I can't wait until Tuesday to read your blog. Congrats- I am so glad '09 is looking like it will be a terrific year for you! It is finally your turn!! :)
I'm 11weeks 3days now, after 3 cycles of IVF, and absolutely identify with your doubts and fears. I'm in the UK so we don't even get betas to use as reassurance in the early days, so I had to go from POAS (several times!) to the 6week ultrasound. That wait was LONG...but they found 2 heartbeats. The wait and the worry temporarily vanish immediately when you get good news.
Then you come down from the high, and start the wait until the next milestone - I had another ultrasound at 9 & a bit weeks, just before Christmas (still 2 in there). I'm now waiting again for the next one. I think the relentless worry has subsided over time, but I also think when you want something this much, you'll worry the whole way through to some extent. I'm trying to get used to it!!
I've tried to 'force' myself not to expect diaster at any given moment of every day, while keeping a nice strong dose of reservedness going too - I keep reminding myself that even at this stage, things could go wrong, that I'm grateful and lucky to be at this stage (very strong nausea just about easing off now), but that statistically, I might actually be ok.
I wish you luck and every good wish as you move through your milestones. And hope the worry eases for you.
Oh, I want to be there to distract you too. How did we both end up waiting for Tuesday?
I just decided to crawl out of bed and go shopping. How fun would it be if we could go together.
Yep, I know what you mean. I think I got through it because in my heart I felt like everything would be fine, and that in 8 month's time, I would have a bay in my arms. You just have to let go of the worry and trust that it will all work out, and it WILL all work out. Each week will be a milestone (it still is for me even at 35 weeks pg!).
Maybe instead of reading what could go wrong, read about what is going on with your baby(ies) this week. Learn how they are growing and developing.
I am so excited to hear about your first ultrasound. How many babies will they find? ;)
I agree that it's really hard to find a balance between being positive, and waiting for something bad to happen. That's what I have always struggled with, and I know I will definitely struggle again when we fall pregnant again. I already know that the ultrasound will be the hardest part for me, cos I've never seen a heartbeat yet.
Try to remember that your body hasn't given you any reason to doubt it yet with this pregnancy! I'm sure it's doing all the right things, even if it is nerve racking waiting for the evidence that you can see on the ultrasound screen.
Hang in there!! And good luck on Tuesday xx
Yes, waiting sucks. I'm here, holding your hand, waiting with you, waiting for good news.
Oh, the waiting is terrible. I didn't deal with it that well to be honest with you. And the worry doesn't really go away, it just gets easier to manage. At 8 months, I still check the toilet paper every time I pee, and I am still tempted to POAS just to be sure.
I'm hoping for the best for you!
Pretty amazing timing on our parts, huh? I'll be thinking about you on Tuesday, fingers, toes, appendages crossed and good wishes sent. One day at a time, one day at a time. Big, soothing, breath!
The waiting does seem to get less agonizing as you get some reassurances along the way. It's easier to intellectualize the possibilities, so it's not as emotionally drastic. You can talk yourself down when you have actual information to point to, whereas the early waiting is all just desperate hoping.
I'll be thinking of you on Tuesday!
Waiting sucks so much! Can't wait to see your first u/s!!
PJ, I am just so incredibly happy for you. Immensely happy, and I hope that your u/s will be a breath of fresh air tomorrow.
I sort-of had the same viewpoint that momofonefornow did once I got pregnant with the twins. I was in a state of ignorance is bliss. In my mind, the challenge was getting pregnant and once it happened, I had concerns of course, but not to the degree that I think most other IFers have it. On the other two pregnancies though, I kept waiting for the shoe to drop. I felt like I couldn't possibly get off being that lucky again. I held my breath and could hardly relax. With the surrogacy attempts, I surely hold my breath through those, considering where my IPs have already been with their struggles and dealing with transference of those struggles.
No matter which pregnancy it was (even the first), I breathed a lot easier after crossing the 12 week mark, then breathed even easier once I passed 28 weeks.
As far as school is concerned, today and tomorrow are workdays. The kids don't start back until Wednesday, which makes for a smoother transition for us back into complete "teacher" mode.
I'm thinking of you!
Today is the BIG DAY, right!? Excited to hear how the U/S goes. :)
Will check back, later!
((HUGS))
Thinking of you today!
Best of luck with the u/s. There is no way to not be terrified. Just don;t let it stop you from feeling the joy. You can feel both you know.
Also, I rented a doppler so I could listen the the heartbeat. It wont help you until you are abotu 9-10 weeks.
Agh!!! Been checking all day to see how the u/s went! :)
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